—Can you spot all the contronyms?—
Shannon lived in a dingy apartment complex. Everything smelled and nothing worked right. There were always problems with the electricity which caused all of the smoke alarms to be set off and turned back on again only when management received enough complaints from the more irritable tenants. It got to the point that there was so much noise and confusion that no one knew when alarms were actually sounding or if they were just imagining them. Shannon had learned how to deactivate her own by splicing the wires. There was never a problem with the alarm in her apartment, but she was the exception. The bells still rang through the walls and floor and ceiling.
Shannon decided to sublet the second bedroom in her apartment as a way to save a little on rent. But as formal as the arrangement was, the lease she signed did not leave much opportunity for extra saving. And the old friend whom she lived with had basically forced her way in and had strained their friendship over time. She was dirty, hardly cleaned, and left checks and bills for Shannon sometimes lying on the coffee table and more often on the floor. Shannon was never too bothered that her friend left rents right in the middle of the apartment. She simply reminded herself that she could end the agreement at any time. And although she was comforted by that thought, her mom thought the extra money was a good thing, so Shannon always heard the same old tired refrain. She had dealt with her roommate for two years now.
Shannon’s real passion, what allowed her to get away from her otherwise unglamorous life, was the high stakes world of debate. She and a few friends formed a beer league debate team after college and traveled as often as they could to tournaments in different cities. It was not really that much, but it was enough for Shannon to get through the rest of her week. The team had been planning a trip to Vancouver’s regional competition for months now, and finally the weekend had arrived. The past week of work flew by with the anticipation.
The team consisted of Shannon, 4 guys, and their coach, who did less coaching and more drinking at the pub after practices. Coach liked an excuse to travel just as much as the rest of the team did. And in spite of the ragtag crew, it was a good group of people.
William and Milton were twin brothers born to argue, as they incessantly did with each other. The 23 years since birth had trained them well. They were known affectionately by the team as Willy and Milly. They had grown up with the names. They hated them.
Tony and JP were college debate friends with Shannon, though Tony had actually gone to JP and Shannon’s rival school. Those years debating each other had sharpened their skills, and the three now had the chance to mentor Willy and Milly. JP probably had a first and middle name, but no one knew it. He was JP. Tony’s last name was Child, and he had a bit of an ego problem. Anytime someone else registered them for a tournament or signed into a smaller event, they would list his name as “Tony (child).” He hated it more than Willy and Milly hated their monikers. But he had to bear it. Plenty of infant jokes were made in spite of his protestations.
Coach, as he was always called, was the old debate coordinator/coach at ILU. As he does now, he used to drink more than coach, so although the school had had a winning record for 17 years straight, Coach got the boot. At 68, he didn’t need the money anymore, so when he heard that Shannon and JP were forming a new team, he jumped at the chance to sit and listen to arguments while he snuck sips from his flask.
The last member was Henry, but for a couple months Henry hadn’t been to any practices. The team actually took themselves pretty seriously, so his absence was a problem. They had won the last competition in Tempe, Arizona, and the one before that, and Henry was not helping their chances of keeping the streak going. They decided to meet him at his house to talk it over.
Henry had apparently taken up woodworking as a hobby to replace debate. The team was hopeful it was not a replacement, but regardless, it was taking up a lot of his time. The team gathered around him in his garage, coming in through the door that had been left open as Henry worked at his bench. Shannon was the voice of the team, and she told him that he could come, but she wanted him to put a cap on his woodworking for now. He had to have all thoughts focused on the debate, and couldn’t be thinking about unfinished rocking chairs. This was his last chance. If he finished his project in time, he could come and hopefully contribute. Henry knew they were serious, and he did not have much time, so he bolted for Vancouver. The team felt awkward just standing around in his garage, so they left right away.
They never saw him for the rest of the weekend, so they figured he probably somehow got lost on his way. Typical. There was no saying where he was now, and it didn’t matter anyway. He would have just been a substitute, and he was probably enjoying a better vacation without them.
The flight there was relatively uneventful, but the plane had been held up on their layover. So they were about 45 minutes later than they had hoped. By the time the team finally got a couple cabs from the airport to the hotel where the debates were being hosted, the event was about to begin. They quickly dropped off their gear in the rooms, changed into wrinkly suits, and headed down to the ballroom. Shannon had to buy a new suit specially for this event. She hadn’t told the team yet, but her boyfriend got her pregnant a few months back. She was definitely showing, but they probably just figured she was getting fat. Privacy is one perk of being a girl that always hangs out with 5 guys.
Tony and Shannon had had a bit of a spat on the plane over some peanuts. Of course he had no reaction, which she knew he would not, but his allergy was always a source of debate. Anything was a source of debate. Especially who was going to handle the first debate. Shannon had the best winning percentage on the team, but Tony always thought he was better, despite the numbers. Shannon despised his pride. But they were on a team. She had to deal with him.
In her condition, there was nothing to do except argue with child, which of course always cleaves a friendship fast. Every point and counterpoint at every tournament affected the way they saw each other, and yet, at the end of the day, they would still be friends.
Shannon was going to lead off anyway, as always, which Tony knew. Coach saw to that. Because of Coach’s constant reaffirmation of her skill, Shannon did not need Tony to tell her she was a great debater to boost her self-confidence. She was a great debater, in spite of her pregnancy and the fact that she stuttered. She often had a plus 8 rating in the typical debate form. Of course, her reputation wasn’t necessarily held up by her handicap. She was proud of what she accomplished and was always pushing herself to do more no matter what situation or difficulty faced her.
Back in the ballroom, Shannon was ready to start the debate, and since the mediator had said that there were some technical issues about thirty minutes ago, she figured the microphones and buzzers were about ready to go. The debate could start and stop again at any time, but truthfully, this gave the team time to get settled anyway. And these little hiccups rarely fazed Shannon. She was known as “Rock” for the way that she held firm even when she wavered, like a boulder at the very edge of a cliff. She always felt at home in the heat of a fierce debate. In this kind of environment, she could easily be described as sanguine.
As soon as the event began, Shannon knew it was going to be easy for her. She had been a volunteer firefighter in high school, so when she heard that she would have to defend an arsonist, she felt unusually prepared. The defendant was being charged with murder by burning in the first degree. For someone with her experience, it was a mild case. Of course, using personal anecdotes had been sanctioned by the debate committee for some time, but that neither really helped nor hurt her in this particular circumstance.
The other team had won the coin toss, so Shannon was forced to weather and wear through the other team’s abrasive opening statements. Coming out on the other side almost as whole as she had begun, she was ready to kick off her retort.
At first, Shannon’s argument was disjointed. She wound up like a circus clown being chased by a lion to the agitated delight of the crowd. She seemed to be trying to talk her way through it, but Tony wasn’t sure that she was going to make it out of her opening statements with anything to hinge the rest of the opinion on. She was puzzling, and he found her answer confusing.
She soon found her stride, picked up the remnants of failed thinking, and moved on. She gave a variety of argument which was uncommon to the collegiate debate circuit but more experienced debaters used it in these bush leagues. She dissected difficult topics and straightened crooked lines of logic. Like a sculpted and muscular metallurgist with a hammer wielded in one cast iron fist and an angled pipe in the other, she was unbending. She held her team’s opinion while allowing for the plausibility of only portions of her opponents’. By acting as a buffer and tempering the judges’ opinion, she found that they had softened to her line of thinking and now strongly supported her.
She won her debate handedly with a plus 11 rating. And like hockey when the first goal is scored, the team now had the inspired confidence to carry out the win. The rest of the afternoon flew by with one crushed opponent after another. There was no competition for the win, and when they received the trophy, Shannon had the pleasure to point out the inscription, “Debater First Class, Honorable Mention: Tony (child).” It was a beautiful day.
It had begun back in college for JP and Shannon, but still after each debate won, the whole team, including Coach, would play a game of Sit Stand Sit. It was an inherently ridiculous game. Most of the team probably hated doing it, but it was a ritual. It had to be done. And because she had given the closing argument in the last debate, Shannon had the responsibility of starting the game. She asked if everyone was ready and willing to play.
“Yeah, I’m down,” said Billy, taking a seat in an isolated chair in the middle of the floor.
“Me too. I’m always up for a Sit Stand Sit,” echoed Milly, taking his place beside his brother.
The game was quick, inspired a few laughs, and was soon over. Now that they had the evening to celebrate, the team decided to go to dinner. Shannon quickly put out the idea of getting Chinese. Of course no matter how persuasive she could be, everyone still had to argue, and after many of the ideas were thrown out by others, soon they settled on a booth at China Garden Buffet. Presently, they were in Chinatown, and Shannon found herself a little ambivalent about this destination.
By the time their order was placed, cooked, and delivered, the boys were very peckish. Shannon was pleased to notice that the simple duck dish they ordered was garnished well of all the trimmings. The whole team was so hungry, for the food had been completely finished before it hit the table. It was a fine meal, not as mean as they had all expected. When Shannon orders a whole duck, she is never sure what she is going to get, but the chef had fixed it well, so there were no surprises. With a freshly stropped knife dipped in a thick spice slurry, the chef had skinned the duck with an uncommon sharpness of flavor. He had struck out in a bold attempt at creating an exceptional meal.
When all but the head of the duck had been eaten, Shannon pulled out one note and one coin and dropped them on the table. She had agreed to buy dinner tonight for the entire team. But she was always mindful of money in spite of tonight’s generosity. Right now she was unsure of the value of the meal and if she was paying too much. To make sure she was not allowing herself to be cheated, as she often did, Shannon would once more pick up the bill and check. Also unsure of whether or not the rest of the team should see how much she had spent on the meal, she screened the money and her subtotal/tip/total. She wanted their respect and thought the simple act would garner it. Her intentions were transparent, however, and everyone walked out of the restaurant wondering why she had been so peculiar. They left the duck and the restaurant behind and went back to the hotel and their sterilized beds.
When Shannon was planning the trip for the rest of the guys, she had made arrangements to visit Fastener Land. It was a strange little theme park originally built and operated by YKK, the zipper company, when they expanded operations in North America. It was full of oversized clasps and buttons and hooks produced by the zipper company, and every ride was on theme. On a huge billboard over the front gate were the park’s hours. Apparently every hour of every day the park was “Closed.” Fastener humor. Once inside, the team was first impressed by the park’s most popular ride, “The Fly.” The coaster zipped halfway across the park before ending back by the front gate. When Shannon went to sit in her car at the front of the train, she found that the odd old ride buckeled underneath her, which made for a very uneasy ride. In spite of the discomfort, they rode it three more times by the end of the day.
The park wasn’t too crowded, the weather was beautiful, and the team was having a great day. The one weird thing was that it always seemed like the park was dirty. Cleaners and sweepers roamed the park constantly. Crushed peanut shells and sand from the nearby beach were dusted across the entire park and was eventually collected in the northeast corner by the huge dumpsters that held all of the park’s garbage. The sanitation workers came in and out of the gates by the dumpsters often, as it seemed that their responsibilities warranted that they mostly work out of the park.
Not far from the dumpsters, high above their stench and the ruckus of the park, was the security watchtower. It was taller than any of the rides which Shannon thought was strange. Up there, if one was inclined to look out across the park toward the south and across the bay, they would find a glorious range of mountains. From the tower, managers could easily overlook the park and see everything they wanted. Truly, all the park’s employees worked in a beautifully mountainous region of Canada where general morale was always high due to weekend getaways and plenty of skiing. It was no surprise that there was always a lot of oversight by the management of the park.
As the day slipped away and dusk came on, Shannon noticed that workers began showing up on top of buildings, and climbing up the side of rides. They were stringing up cords and cords of lights, it appeared. Apparently, the giant zippers weren’t the only antiquated thing in the park. Tony had found an informational plaque that described what the workers were doing.
“In 1950 when the park was being erected, management believed that the storms that frequent this bay would wreak havoc on the electrical systems of the park. The tall rides would end up being perfect lightning rods to conduct electricity into the systems, frying all of the equipment. So the engineers proposed to create a removable lighting system that would allow the park to avoid the most serious damage created by huge storms. Nowhere else in the world is there an electrical system quite like that at Fastener Land which is a testament to the uneducated myopathy of the park’s original managers and investors. The original lighting system is still used today as a reminder of Fastener Land’s unique past.”
So almost all of the lighting in the park was still removable in spite of the fact that the equipment hardly needed to be protected if very, very simple modern safeguards were employed. Which those safeguards were employed throughout the park anyway. But they kept the removable lighting removable, and as it was, it was also incredibly unreliable.
Regulars to the park said that as the darkness fell and the lights lit, the strands were beautifully and uniquely arranged throughout the park like little local constellations. The lights themselves were a major attraction at the park. While the team was there, in one night, they had to endure 3 blackouts. And the whole time the lights were out, Shannon heard guests comment that it was like seeing the cosmos through unadulterated sky. Shannon thought it was like listening to fire alarms set off.