“Just Saturday it hit me. You know, I guess I’ve been feeling it for a while, just never put words to it. Death Cab for Cutie was what did it.”
“That happens too much. You know the words, but one day the lyrics actually hit you. I know what you mean.”
“No, it’s not that the lyrics haven’t hit me before. They just meant something else. Like, the opposite. I heard the lyrics with older ears, and in a way it was like I was hearing them for the first time, I guess. I think I’m getting to be an old man. An old single man at that. I’m not who I was the last time I actually heard the lyrics.”
“You’re pretending like you’re some miser who’s been shut up in his house alone for the past 20 years. Come on, it’s not that bad, not by far.”
“I know, I know. I’ve got you and I’ve got my family and I’ve got a few others I try to keep up with and one or two who do the same for me. But that’s still how it feels, probably a little too often. I feel like I’m one especially solitary month away from being a hermit. I’m flirting with that line, in my head at least.”
“Fine, but I can’t say more without knowing more. What lyrics are you talking about?”
“Well, I guess the lyrics and the title of ‘I Will Possess Your Heart.’ Dude, that song used to get my blood pumping. The lonely, angsty teen I was thought it was just that simple: ‘Spend some time with me, girl, and you’ll fall in love with me. Spend a little time with me, that’s all it will take, and I’ll completely overcome your heart.’ I used to love that song. Made me feel like there was some hope.”
“And it doesn’t anymore?”
“No. I mean… No. It just doesn’t. Can’t you hear what I’m talking about?”
“Obviously something hit you that hasn’t hit me. Keep going. I’ll catch up.”
“Right. It’s right in those lyrics. I mean, like I said, you’ve got to come at them with older ears, but it’s all right there. It doesn’t strike you?
“I don’t think so. At least not what you’re talking about. I think people probably feel that way. I know I always did when I was single, at least. If this girl who didn’t really know me too well just gave me a chance, she might find that I’m actually a pretty cool dude. Might find out I’m a nice guy. Datable. Eligible, you know.”
“Sure, but that’s not all the song is saying. He says ‘I know if you spend some time with me, I will possess your heart.’”
“Right. That’s what I said.”
“No it’s not. You’re not hearing it. You’re talking about a possibility. He’s talking about a certainty. ‘I will.’ It’s like he’s making a promise. If she would just finally spend some time with him, then she would obviously find out how great he is. Get it?”
“Sure. I guess that’s just that young braggadocio that you were talking about.”
“In a sense, yeah. The confidence of youth.”
“So is that it? Is it fundamentally a confidence thing?”
“Probably a bit more fundamental that you’re letting on.”
“You think it’s that big of a difference? Don’t you still feel that? If a girl gives you a chance and goes on a date, you don’t think she’s likely to see you for more than she did before?”
“Sure, she’ll see me a bit as I actually am. She might even catch some of the depth and layers and reality of me. The subtleties, and all that. But just seeing me as a complex human isn’t quite enough, is it?”
“Of course not, but the song is just asking the girl to give a chance, right?”
“Not at all. The song is making the statement that if she does give it a shot, love is sure to follow. The song is making a promise.”
“And that doesn’t work for you… anymore, that is.”
“Right.”
“Ok.”
“Dude, you know me. I’ve kept you up to date over the years. You’ve heard all the stories, as horrifying and humorous as some have been. You know I’ve given plenty of women a chance to spend some time with me. Plenty have had the chance to get to know me. And where has it gotten me?”
“Time out. You know this isn’t a math game. It’s not like you play long enough and are statistically guaranteed to win. That’s not the way love or life works.”
“I’m not arguing that. All I’m saying is that I’ve lost that kind of confidence. If I ever had it. I think there’s just as good a chance that if she spends a little time with me that she’ll happily go her own way. I’m not making any promises when I talk to a woman. Best I can offer is, ‘Let’s see where this goes.’ Heck, I may end up wanting to go my own way myself, once I get to know her better. Why would anyone ever be so sure?”
“Well you used to have that confidence, trust me. I remember you with your puffed chest and swinging arms heading out to a date. Trust me, you had it at some point.”
“Fine, I lost it.”
“Is that so bad? You’re probably seeing things a bit more realistically now.”
“Probably am. But I still feel that dull ache, you know. It’s not that youthful pang anymore. It’s as dull as can be. But it’s still there, and I can’t see how it’s going to just fade away. Of course, give me a few more years yet, and all this is gonna mean something different still. Something less, hopefully.”
“If I know you, you’re not just going to lose your passion for relationship. And if I know you, you’re not just going to stop being a romantic. I think you’re a lost cause on that count.”
“Sure. You’re probably right… unfortunately.”
“So what has changed? It doesn’t sound like much has changed.”
“It has, man. Slowly enough. I didn’t notice, but here I am on the other side. Here I am, not much, maybe no confidence left. I don’t feel my heart sink at disappointment anymore, like I used to. There’s no space under it left to sink.”
“It’s not that bad. Come on.”
“No, it’s not that bad. But then again it is. That’s what I feel most of the time, and I know it’s not that bad, but that’s what I keep feeling. So it might as well be that bad.”
“Alright. So what do you need from me?”
“Nothing, man. I might have less confidence making promises to women about me being the dream they’ve been waiting for, but I feel a lot more confident generally. Age does that, right? Makes you realize the real likelihood of those old dreams. It’s not pride anymore, just confidence.”
“Maybe. I think life tends to keep a few tricks up its sleeve, though. Like you said, confidence is a young man’s game. You should know better than to give up hope with that kind of certainty.”
“Right. And I don’t. It’s just a painful hope anymore. And I’m trying to ease the pain. Maybe by not hoping so much. Maybe by hoping the right way. Maybe I’m just a pessimistic lost cause.”
“Probably.”
“Shut up. It’s just that I don’t get it anymore. That impossible hope that you’re gonna find someone. The audacity to suggest that it’s this girl or that girl in particular. I’ve been on enough dates. It’s too easy to find a date these days. And fewer people are getting married, so they say, and later if they do. The odds that any one first-date will be your last. The odds that any one girl is the girl. The audacity, man! And then to promise her that she just needs to give it a shot! To even suggest it! To even think it! The audacity!”
“I told you, this isn’t a math equation. Stop playing the numbers. You can’t optimize life, after all.”
“Don’t go using my own words against me.”
“Well you were right all those times you said it. It’s just as true now.”
“I know.”
“So act like it. Don’t be talking about odds and chance and audacity. What you’re talking about is hope, and you’re trying to apply statistical certainties to it. That’s not being intelligent and academic. That’s being an idiot.”
“hmph.”
“Chin up, boyo. Life’ll slap you awake sometime soon, I bet. And until it does you’ve got too much real stuff to worry about than to get lost in the hypotheticals and chances and what-might-have-beens. You know what to do today. So do it. Let tomorrow with all of its audacious chance and contingencies take care of itself. You’re gonna be alright, one way or the other.”