A Troubadour

The electricity from the speakers, guitars, and amps used to stay in his bones the entire night.  Now he is lucky if he can get back to the dressing room before the adrenaline begins to fade.  That is not to say that he would choose any other profession.  And it is not to say that he is ungrateful for his talent, the multiple strokes of luck getting to this point, and his masses of committed fans.  Only a complete dunce or total lunatic or Kanye West could belittle the blessings of this life to the point of indifference.  James would never trade in this life for the sea of other possibilities he could have wandered into along the line.  If nothing else, he can just be glad that he no longer has to spend his summers working for his uncle’s construction company.  Music has done that much for him.

And that adrenaline is very real when he is on the stage.  The crowds are almost always whipped up with a feverish excitement, and he knows that they are all so energized by him, by the familiarity of his songs and the perceived beauty of his face.  That, he truly never understood.  Throughout school he always met rebuff after rebuff when it came to love.  He pursued girls, and wrote great ballads in the privacy of his bedroom, but the charm was lost on his classmates.  Apparently fame is vital enough to cover over a multitude of imperfections.  A welcome perk of his line of work.

James loves performing for his fans.  It is energizing for him as well.  There is no greater feeling in the world.  The affirmation is palpable.  He used to call the adoration “glory” until his overly-religious father threatened to beat him if he said it again.  James doesn’t agree with all of his father’s beliefs, but he respects the man and his God enough to shut up when he needs to shut up.  Better to keep the peace when it comes to something so trivial.  And James knows he cannot lose the anchor of his family, else he drifts off into the inescapable world of detached stardom.  Again with the Kanye West.

All of this was floating around in James’ head as he walked back the less-than-bright hall to his little green room.  The excitement of the stage faded more and more quickly with every show on this tour, and he simply could not hold onto the high like he used to.  His mind instantly flooded with the concerns of a tedious and soul-sucking life.  No one except other music icons and movie stars could understand.  To everyone else, the glamour is expected to outshine everything else in life.  It does not.

All of these concerns do tend to outshine many aspects of life, and James was reminded of that as he opened the door of his dressing room.  Strewn across the couch was Mindy.  

After the last few shows the last thing that James has wanted is the after-parties and the crowds outside of the venues and anyone other than his silent body guards.  He just wanted to be alone for a little bit while he processed the discontent that ached in his joints.  Instead, he was greeted tonight by the unwelcome and unbelievably sexy Mindy.  

James started dating Mindy sometime a couple years ago.  She is gorgeous and has a perfect body.  And she loves his music and wants to delve into the lyrics and understand his mind.  She wants to hear every detail about what he was thinking when he wrote each song.  And that kind of personal attention is surprisingly rare in spite of the oceans of fans who claim to love you and your music.  Mindy was just the kind of person who pulled James out of the limelight a bit and afforded him the time to decompress with just her and maybe a few other friends.  Most other girls he met just wanted to be seen and photographed at the clubs with him.  Mindy just wanted to be with him, which at first was a huge positive in his life.  But quickly he found that her doting rarely gave him the opportunity to truly be alone, the way he preferred to be, the way he accessed the depths of his creativity and emotion to produce the chords and lyrics that would ensure that his popularity would continue.  James truly loves his work.  Even if he could not perform in front of tens of thousands of people, even if no one knew his name outside of those who had met him personally, even if he was doomed to obscurity, his music would be, as it has always been, his true delight.  

James relishes the opportunity to garner every song with tidbits of honesty, wisdom (if a 23 year old can claim to have it), and experience that speak to the expanse of the souls of his listeners.  He loves to reach out and touch someone’s heart with the common experience of love and heartbreak and growth and longing.  He just wants to share life with people, even if the words he writes are just a form of connection and not a true reflection of reality.  But he does not want to share life like that all the time.  Which is why Mindy is unwelcome at this moment.

Truly, she offers one of the better relationships that James has had.  Especially since he broke into the public eye.  It is difficult to access genuine relationships when everyone knows the you that they see on stage.  They expect that to be the man behind the mask of renown, but it never is.  And if it is, no one would want to do anything more substantial than get drunk with that man.  There must be infinite more depth to the person than what is presented on stage.  There must.  

Anyway, although James knew that Mindy would be personal and supportive and sincere, he just wanted to be alone.

Baby, you were wonderful as usual.  The crowd was great and you did not disappoint them.  Thank you for sharing all of you with your fans who love you.

Yeah, it was a good crowd.  Not like Detroit on Tuesday.  This was a good one.

Seriously, baby, I’m so impressed by you.  You perform sincerely and then come backstage, back to me, and I see that same man right here.  I doubt everyone out there realizes how lucky they are to see a performer who is willing to put himself out there like that.

Sincere, huh?  Maybe more some days than others.  Do you think I have to go to Jimmy’s after-party tonight?  I’d love to just relax by myself instead of putting up with all that.

Well, we certainly don’t have to, but Jimmy will not be very happy.  He was excited about having us to his new place, and I know he’s going to be shoving a lot of people into that loft to be with you.  Do you think it would be fair to him to skip it?

I don’t know.  I don’t know if I care right now.  I just don’t want to deal with another crowd.  It’d be great to start this week by relaxing for a little bit before the next stint of shows.  I need some time to decompress.  

OK. If you let him know you won’t be able to make it tonight but want to do brunch tomorrow, I think that would appease him.

If he is partying tonight, we’d be lucky to get him to come out for dinner tomorrow.  How about I just fly him out to Amsterdam next week?

That’s a good idea.  That will make him happy.

Good.

Now come over here and let me help you decompress.  I bet you could go for a backrub.  

Actually not right now.  Can we just sit for a bit?

Yeah, come on.

James sat down as Mindy composed herself to one side of the couch.  He leaned back into her and put his left leg up.  It was good to feel the length of her body up against the back of his.  Regardless of the ways he sometimes complained about her and this relationship, he was content having someone to hold and someone to hold him.  It was the human in him that would not let go of these simple comforts.

Mindy wrapped her arms around his chest and rested her hands just under his shoulders over her own arms.  She reached around and gave him a little peck on the temple.  It was comforting to have this kind of personal contact after shedding and spreading all of your emotion throughout a crowd of 23,000.  Mindy was right.  He hoped that his fans appreciated how he shared the intimacy of his life on stage.  His songs weren’t just cute little poems about the vague truths of relationships.  They were real, his feelings about his relationships.  Or at least as real as his words would allow him to express.  He tried to be honest when he put his thoughts and feelings to music, but who knows if it ever really hits home.

Can you tell me what you were thinking about when you wrote Under My Veins?  I love that line, “Their words whisper under the drum of your heart.  Your love gave me the flesh that you ripped apart.”

I was thinking of Andrea.

Dammit.  Those words were definitely not meant to come out.  The show must have exhausted James past what his internal censor could endure.  This will not be fun.  Mindy pushed him up off of her, and he had to sit upright on the couch with his hands in his lap like he was waiting to be seen by the dentist.

Andrea?  What the..?  Are you kidding me, James?  You wrote that when we were in Cinque Terre.  We were dating for a year.

James sat silently.  He knew he was not going to be able to charm his way out of this one.  And he knew he was going to be honest.  He was cursed by honesty.  Dammit.

Seriously, Jay, what the heck?  How could your write that about her after what she did to you?  I thought she crushed you.

He waited a few more seconds and let the silence lengthen to its breaking point before he finally spat out.

She crushed me.  She ruined me, and I stayed ruined until I found you.  But I think I might still be ruined.  I’m sorry I even brought it up.

I am too, but it’s brought up now.  We can’t pretend that you didn’t just say that.  What do you expect me to say?

Honestly, I don’t expect you to say anything.  I wasn’t thinking, I didn’t mean to bring that up, and I don’t have any expectations now that it is up.  I’m sorry I said it.

James, you said it.  Are you still feeling things for her?

Every day.  Mostly negative things, but she hasn’t left me alone a single day since we broke up.

Ugh.  You’ve got to be kidding me.  I’ve just been going through life since you wrote that song assuming it was about me.  I feel like an idiot.  You’re making me look like a fool.

I’m sorry.

So what song have you written about me?

James remained silent again, but the silence bought him no respite from Mindy’s attack.  It clearly just made it worse.

Have you written anything about me?

He was not going to answer that question.  He was not going to lie, but he could not tell her the truth.

Tears swelled in the sides of both of her eyes, and they broke down her pristine cheeks at the same time.  There was something poetic about the moment, but James was going to hold onto that.  She would not be too keen on hearing that her heartbreak was the only motivation for him to write a song about her to date.

She buried her face in her hands, trying to shield the emotion.  She respects him, she loves him, and she does not want him to feel anything negative about her, even if it is due to the completely justified pain she was feeling in the moment.  She does not want to be just another pitiful fan whose dreams of him are crushed under the reality that he will never love her.  But she had to know.

Have you ever loved me?  Have you ever loved me like you loved Andrea?  Have you ever loved me like I flowed in and around and under your veins?

The tears were clearly coming out more and more behind her shielding hands.  James’ heart was broken for her broken heart, but he had to keep on pushing forward with the honesty that was his eternal policy.

I don’t know.  I honestly don’t know.  I don’t even know what those lyrics mean.

What do you mean?  You wrote those words.  You don’t feel her love like that?

I don’t know.  Maybe.  I really just don’t even know what I was writing.  It’s not hard to write those trite little lines.  And everyone thinks they mean something grand and beautiful, but it’s just words.  They’re just words.

They are not just words.  They speak to people.  They spoke to me.  I felt what you were saying.

Mindy, what I’m saying right now is that I don’t even know what love is.  I know what it feels like, maybe.  I know what desire feels like.  I know that every time I see you I can think of nothing but burying myself inside of you and never letting go.  I know that when you hold me, everything else melts away.  But I also know that I am grounded in this physical world.  I know the limits of this world.  And I know that although some things might feel certain ways, it doesn’t make them that way.  I felt strongly about Andrea, but things were clearly not the way I felt them.  And they are clearly not that way anymore.  My love for her was a feeling.  A feeling that has stuck around way too long.  But it isn’t real, and I am acutely aware that it isn’t real.  It’s just a feeling.  You can see that, can’t you?  My words, the poetry isn’t real.  It’s a fairytale.

Do we have anything different?  Is there anything about me that isn’t an emotional mirage for you?

Yes.  You are here.  And I am here.  We love each other because we are loving each other.  We don’t need the intensity of that feeling because we are doing love right now.  Can’t you see that just in being together we are expressing something that my words can’t.  The lyrics don’t mean anything because they are just an image of a feeling that isn’t even real.  You and me on this couch right now is real.  This is real.  This is real.

This time Mindy let the silence grow.  And grow and grow.  

She eventually leaned into James’ chest with her hands still over her eyes and let him hold her.  She just let herself be with him.  And that is all he would offer.  That is all he could offer.  And for him that was enough.  And maybe in that moment he would feel something.  And maybe that something would be something like love.  And maybe not.  And maybe he would never write a song about her sadness.  And maybe he would never write a song about all the scenes of his life that were brimming with her happiness.  And maybe he would never hold onto her like he had held onto Andrea.  But Andrea wasn’t the one being comforted in his arms right now.  She was.  And the thousands and thousands of fans who would love to be heartbroken by James were not the ones being comforted in his arms right now.  She was.  And maybe that should be enough.  Maybe that was enough.  At least, it could be enough for tonight.  He held her close, and dried her tears, and that was enough for her tonight.